In elementary school both my girls struggled with anxiety and attending school was a big issue. There were days in which I wasn’t able to get them on the bus, they refused to get up out of bed at all. There were many mornings of begging and pleading and negotiating to get them to go, some mornings more successful than others. I could never relate to parents whose children were excited and happy to go on the bus to school! Many of my friends couldn’t understand why my children didn’t get up and go to school. “What do you mean you can’t get them up? Make them get up!” they’d say. I felt alone and isolated because I got the impression that I was the only parent who had issues like that. On reflection, I think I’m the only one who was willing to share my difficulties.

Some days C would have a panic attack as we walked into the school. She would try to leave with me, or she would cling to me at the classroom door begging me to take her home. Other days, S would have trouble waking up or getting on the bus. Sometimes they took turns. Sometimes it was both of them at the same time. It was painful and stressful for the whole family—I really had no where to turn.

The school offered no real assistance, I shuddered when I saw the school number on my phone during the day, because it invariably meant I needed to go pick up one of the girls. I sometimes argued with them about having to pick them up—telling them that if I pick them up every time they cry that they want to come home; isn’t that giving them exactly what they want? Isn’t it feeding into that behavior? Can’t the school do anything? No—I was told. That was not their responsibility. So it became a cycle of behavior that I didn’t know how to break.

The girls, individually and together, missed so much school that DCF (Department of Children and Families) was called in because Educational Neglect was reported by the district. We were assigned case workers who either didn’t have children and/or had no experience with mental health issues. DCF came at the problem as a parenting issue, the message being that we are bad parents and that’s why our girls don’t go to school. So I was sent to parenting classes (my husband was too). We were told the parenting classes were “optional” but really? Can you say no to a suggestion from DCF? I didn’t think so. So I went to 8-10 hour long parenting classes taught me about the importance of nutrition; avoidance of drugs and alcohol in the home; don’t have guns and weapons inside the home, etc. No one seemed to take into account that we were already parents of another child who didn’t have these issues–we weren’t clueless new parents.

So the reports of truancy and Educational Neglect continued well into middle school. We kept trying our best, and we kept getting support services in the home, (IICAPS) after school (Prospects). At one point, the girls and I were called to be in front of the Truancy Review Board. The girls were about 8 or 9 at the time. We were called into a large conference room. In front of us was a row of personnel involved in truancy. There was an assistant vice principal of a local school, two psychologists, two police officers and a couple of others. I was asked questions and asked to defend myself and explain why my children didn’t attend school. I explained that my girls were anxious, that they refused to get up! What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to throw them over my shoulder and toss them into my car? My girls even spoke up for me and said it was them that couldn’t get up. They were very brave to speak up. After a short time, the assistant principal spoke to me and declared, “if you were in my school district; I would bring you up on charges!” I was stunned, shocked and afraid.

None of the government agencies helped us, helped my girls, because they hadn’t yet addressed the root of the problem which was my girls weren’t able to attend a large public school due to anxiety issues. They both needed smaller therapeutic schools to ensure that they got the education they’re entitled to. Unfortunately, it would be a few more years before that would happen.

Stay tuned…..