Like many other moms of girls, I found out that our middle school was a very toxic environment. Even more so for the emotionally fragile. Unlike my son who had basically sailed through his middle school years with his same buddies from elementary school and who came over on weekends and played D&D. My girls entered the snake pit of middle school having no idea what was in store for them.

While they both started 6th grade with excitement of starting off a new school and a fresh start from the pain of middle school. Unfortunately, the happiness was short-lived because after a couple of weeks both girls starting having difficulties attending school. C was the first to show signs of the trouble to come. She began having terrible stomach aches in the morning; she faked throwing up (she would mix a bit of oatmeal in a bowl and spill it into the toilet–I got wise when the “vomit” smelled like strawberries & cream.) She came up with lots of excuses, she missed the bus and I would have to drive her. Then S started also having problems going. I don’t know if they were necessarily feeding off each other — but it was a chicken and egg debate. It didn’t really matter. They both struggled and were in pain.

Unfortunately, their troubles were exacerbated by the fact that they didn’t feel a part of the school community. They felt the odds ones out because how can a child make friends and make connections when they are unable to stay in school long enough to do so. In addition to the stigma of being “weird” or awkward or “abnormal”. Adolescence is painful enough even without emotional handicaps. They were late; and missed the social aspect of the mornings; they were absent and missed events and were no longer in the social loop. They didn’t get invited to anything because my girls were troubled and parents didn’t want to be involved. It was a vicious cycle and it was all so sad.

C had several panic attacks in school; a few times she locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to hurt herself. I got called often to come get her or I was asked to come to defuse the situation. Many times I was just as clueless as they were about what to do. So the crux of the problem wasn’t my girls ;it was where or who can you turn to when the place that you believe has all the answers for educating your children has absolutely no idea what to do? The school counselor insisted that they had no prior experience with children who refused school, like mine. Apparently we were the first! They scratched their heads as they tried to figure out what to do to “help”. So their brilliant solution was to call DCF (Department of Children and Families) because of “educational neglect” and we were reported for truancy. This way they could wash their hands of us and make us someone else’s problem. At this point, I think the school wanted to be done with us.

I feel I need to stress the fact that that both girls were being treated. They were on medication and receiving therapy. We had been working with mental health care providers for a number of years already. We were doing everything possible to be best of our ability.

A couple of months after middle school started, C had her second episode of “eloping” (which is a fancy word for leaving the school building without permission.) The first one was mild and she only got to the side parking lot before staff noticed and police were called. The second time she had walked almost a mile from the school to the McDonalds close to our house. That was where the police found her after they reported her missing. I was away that morning visiting a friend in a hospital in Westchester when my cell phone rang. When I saw the school’s phone number on my cell, I took a deep breath. What was it now? What happened that I would have to drop everything for. I didn’t expect them to ask if C was with me. “What? What do you mean? She’s at school!” How would I have been able to take her out of school without them noticing? It was a ridiculous question. I was told that apparently she had been missing from the school for quite a while before they noticed. I was about 45 minutes away and I drove like a bat-out-of hell to get to the school to find out what happened. I imagined so many different disastrous scenarios. I have never been so scared in my life. By the time I arrived at the school the police had found her. They located her at the McDonalds near our house, calmly refilling her water bottle. She wasn’t in distress; she wasn’t upset. She explained to the police that she left because she wanted to come home. So between classes, she walked out the door and left the building. After we were done with the police and school was informed of the outcome, we went home. I honestly don’t remember if I met them at the school or at the McDonalds — details are a little fuzzy.

I hope it goes without saying that we had a serious conversation with C telling her that she must never, never do anything like that again. She had scared all of us half to death. Not only did she break the school rules; she put herself in grave danger. We were firm but calm with her. We didn’t yell or shout because really, what else could we do? My emotionally fragile girl was acting out of self-preservation. She was anxious at school and wanted to be home with her mom where she felt safe.

The second elopement incident was a wake up call for the district that something had to be done and they acted immediately. A PPT meeting was called within a couple of days to determine that the current school placement was not in C’s best interests. They decided she would attend a therapeutic day school in a neighboring town. It had a smaller student body and a higher teacher to student ratio. There were counselors available, and they were equipped to deal with an anxious 6th grader. Most importantly, the front door was locked.

C did well there. It was not an ideal place, and we later came to have issues with it, but it was better than the toxic place she came from. She started to do better in school and attended more regularly. I believed, and still do, that this placement was mostly done as a CYA (cover your ass) by the district. They could not afford to have C leave the building again; what if her next elopement ended in tragedy?

And so our journey to the previously undiscovered land of out-of-district placements began. The path was winding and circuitous but it ultimately brought our daughter back to a mainstream school and much success (she is a college freshman this year). Before, we hadn’t known that there were other options available for those for whom mainstream schools are not a good fit. Students who learn differently; have developmental delays or challenges and those who are not strong emotionally to handle the stress and responsibilities that school requires of them. Because the state has a legal and moral obligation to provide your child with an education in the least restrictive environment possible, you have choices in what school they attend; you have a say in where they are placed. There may be a schools which may have an opening, but you feel that it’s not a good fit or you or your child have a negative gut-reaction. You have ask if there is an alternative? To be honest, you may not have a choice. Sometimes timing is against you and you are forced into a situation due to availability. We had such a situation with our other daughter S, (that’s another story). So what I want to convey is that just because the district holds the purse strings, you still have a say and input into where your child is placed. You are not powerless.