twins – Parenthood Doesn’t Come with GPS

I knew I was having twins from the beginning of my pregnancy. I had undergone fertility treatments after multiple miscarriages and a stillborn daughter conceived naturally.

We had tried and failed to get pregnant with my eggs; but due to my age—it wasn’t happening. We had briefly considered adoption, but I couldn’t do it. I needed to prove to myself that I could have a baby. A baby that lived. I needed “vindication.” After all, the baby had died inside ME. I felt responsible and guilty. In order to heal, I was convinced that I needed to feel life inside me again. I needed to give birth successfully for my redemption. While adoption is a great choice for some, it wasn’t for me.

After Emily died, we didn’t do an autopsy, what would be the point? It wouldn’t have made any difference, but they thought it was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. Who knows? I also tested positive for Lyme disease which I found out later causes miscarriages. I didn’t know I had it! Fortunately, I got treatment and recovered fully from the Lyme disease, but not my broken heart.

So after I healed physically, we decided that IVF (in-Vitro Fertilization) with a donor egg was the route we were going to take. We were given a packet of potential donors for us to choose from. It was kinda like dating. We ultimately chose a young woman (34 -about 10 years younger than I at the time) who already had children. When I read her profile; I knew she was the one! She was short, had curly hair and wore glasses. She was crafty, just like me! So an agreement was made; we would contract with her for her eggs. She would relinquish all parental rights to whatever offspring that may be produced. She underwent the super ovulation procedure and produced 4 eggs. (The same number that I had popped; but hers were younger). The fertilization was done in a lab, and a couple of days later I got a call. The eggs were ready for implantation! They fertilized four; 3 took but only 2 looked good enough for implantation.

After the procedure, I had to stay on bed rest until the we got pregnancy test results back. It was a very long couple of days! Then the phone rang and I got the amazing news that I was pregnant with twins! My husband and I both cried when I told him the news!

Now the waiting-and-praying time began. Would I stay pregnant? The first hurdle was the 10 week mark, when you can usually see the heartbeat on ultrasound. A couple of my pregnancies were found to have ended when this milestone wasn’t reached.

But it went fine! Two healthy heartbeats. I was under careful supervision because I was considered high risk because of my age and my previous stillbirth, I went into my doctor’s office once a week and then later twice a week; for heart-rate stress tests and lots of ultrasounds too. Coincidentally, my doctors office was shopping around for a new ultrasound machine. So Baby A, Baby B and I were the road test subjects. I didn’t mind. It was interesting and I got some awesome ultrasound photos for my scrapbook.

And so the pregnancy continued. I was healthy, but I got HUGE! I followed doctors orders to take care of myself. I also prayed a lot! I asked for lots of prayers because I believe in the power of prayer.

You might think I would be super paranoid about my activity level while pregnant the twins. I really wasn’t. I decided to act on faith that it wouldn’t happen again. Besides, I had an 8 year old to take care of. I also knew that being stressed wouldn’t help us. So I relied on my faith and expert medical care. I also received lots of love and support from my husband, my son and my friends and family brought me to the delivery room at 38 weeks. I just read that only about 6% of woman my age carried IVF pregnancy to term.

So a miracle followed a tragedy. Here are my miracles!

https://www.pennmedicine.org/updates/blogs/fertility-blog/2018/march/ivf-by-the-numbers

https://www.marchofdimes.org/complications/lyme-disease-and-

https://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/donor-eggs-in-fertility-treatments

I was blessed with twin girls who were born when my son was 8 1/2. After many miscarriages, a stillborn daughter at 38 weeks, and many fertility treatments; I delivered beautiful, very healthy, full-term girls. The girls grew and developed at a normal pace. They walked at around 15 months and started talking at around 18 months. As a precaution, I had them both evaluated by Connecticut’s Birth to Three System. As I expected, they met all goals and benchmarks that they were tested for, but I needed to be sure.

At an early age, I noticed that one of my twins “S”, was very rigid and inflexible in many ways. She insisted on wearing her favorite footed pajamas almost every day, and wore them even when she outgrew them and her toes poked through the bottoms. I sewed them back together when she became inconsolable because they had holes in them. She was about 3 at the time, but she wore them for another 6 months.

One night when the girls were 3 or 4, I was going out to a church-lady evening (as I called them) and would be back after the girls were asleep. S was not happy that I was going out and wanted me to stay and read stories. So I promised her that if she was still awake when I got home, I would make hot chocolate and we would read together. I returned about 9:00 p.m. and went in to check the girls and as I thought, they were asleep. I kissed them on the head and went to bed myself.

The next morning, I went into the girls’ room to wake them up. When S woke up she said, “where’s my hot chocolate?” She looked outside the window and saw that it was daytime, and with panic in her eyes; she repeated, “Mommy, where’s my hot chocolate?” I explained that when I got home it was late and she and her sister were asleep, so I didn’t wake her. So I offered to make her morning hot chocolate instead. S was not having that, “No! Mommy, make it night again! Make it night again!” She wept in my arms. She didn’t understand that I couldn’t do that. I wonder if she thought that I was unwilling, not unable.

That was one of the first indicators that something was not quite right, emotionally speaking. She was only 3, and already showing signs of the anxiety which would keep her in a few short years from attending school. It marked the beginning of a long and painful journey, one that we are still navigating through. I hope that through this blog I can offer some words of support and encouragement to those who are just starting on this path. For many years, I believed that I was the only mom and we were the only family, who were having similar struggles with their children. I learned that I was wrong, but I wouldn’t learn that for a very long time.

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